**I started this note as a tool for myself to look back on. Its purpose was to help me remember how I best felt supported after people knew I had cancer so that I could offer the same support to others. It can be really challenging trying to find the “right” words to say when talking to someone who is experiencing difficulty. I’m hoping sharing this note might help others in their approach or spark ideas on how you can be there for your friend.
- Ask if their health is something they want to talk about.
Before even getting into it you may want to ask if it’s a topic they want to touch base on. Sometimes it’s nice to update or talk about what’s new and other times it’s tiring and feels like that is all you ever talk about. Asking the person will let you know how to proceed.
- Listen.
Your friend is probably going through a lot of new things and may feel like sharing. Most likely they aren’t sharing their feelings with you because they think you have the answer but because they need someone who hears them and reminds them that they aren’t alone. Remember our perception may be different than our friends so if we want to tell them that they are looking good or better than when we last saw them consider adding in, “how do you really feel?” or “is that accurate?” (something of that nature) and then listen to what they say. Their appearance doesn’t always reflect how they are really doing and it can be hard hearing you look good when you feel far from it.
- Cancer patients get told no a lot, try creating a yes.
I’m not sure if this is accurate to everyone but I felt like I was constantly being told no. I couldn’t go to the store because too many people are there. Someone is sick and is attending the gathering so you shouldn’t go anymore. You’re not allowed to eat that. You shouldn’t be in the sun. You can’t go back to school. Break the cycle by creating a situation or activity that will be a yes for them.
Example Mocktails: This one is kind of specific to me but 5 days before I turned 21 I was diagnosed with cancer. This meant absolutely no alcohol for me. Turn that no into a yes by making mocktails. Make it as fancy as you want and treat your friend to an alcohol free activity that still celebrates them.
- If you have the itch to send them a message, I’d say go for it!
I absolutely loved receiving cards. They all immediately would be taped to the wall after opening. Messages can be great too! Even if I didn’t know the person very well it was really neat hearing about how I may have impacted them without even knowing it. You can even include in your message that there is no pressure for a response you just wanted to let them know. This gives them the option of responding but won’t stress them out if it’s too much for them.
Below I’m including some pretty basic activities you can suggest to your friend that aren’t high energy and should be safe that might be worth considering.
Some basic things to keep the following activities safe is:
- 1 on 1 or keep the amount of people low
- if anyone is sick either reschedule or the sick person sits it out this time
- think about taking the activity outside if anyone is worried about being too close or cramped
Boardgames/puzzles: I loved playing boardgames and the cool thing about them is that there is a big range. While I was recovering from chemo I’d find myself enjoying very simple card games. Further out in my treatment I liked more complicated games that challenged me. You can even play games online/through your phone if you are unable to be there in person.
TV/Movie night: When I was home I liked having a family movie night or show. My family got really into the shows Survivor and Psych. It was a fun way to bring us all together. Similarly when I was hospitalized shows and movies were a good way to pass time. My diet at times would be unrestricted so I liked ordering ice cream and root beer for floats, or just ordering extra food or snacks with my meals that I’d put to the side for when people visited me - made movie time feel more special.
Online shopping: I was advised to avoid going into stores for about 7 months. A more practical way to do this might be asking the person to make a list, or make an online pickup order that you can bring to them and help put away if they need. A fun alternative is bringing your phone or laptop and visit some fun sites that you can browse and share good finds. Buying isn’t necessary sometimes it’s fun to just look.
Crafting: It’s a great way to pass time and can also make great gifts! A lot of people helped me and/or reached out to me that I in turn wanted to show my appreciation. Making thank you cards or making something that the person can give as gifts can be really helpful and help them not feel so overwhelmed. Suncatchers were something that I loved making. I could make them in my hospital bed and people liked making them with me.
Walking: This is a great activity to do with your friend. Staying mobile and getting out of the bed is important for recovery. They may not be up to walking at all or may only want to walk a short distance. The goal is to encourage them and help them not make them feel bad.
Food: There’s a lot of variability to eating. Sometimes there are restrictions or your friend may feel nauseous or have stomach issues. It doesn’t hurt to ask though. You don’t have to eat the same thing but letting them choose something that sounds good and just chatting creates some good memories.