On a whim I went to urgent care. So when they told me I was going to be hospitalized I was shocked. It was the last week of school I had projects I needed to grade, work I needed to attend, and a dirty apartment I needed to show some love to. When they told me my diagnosis I realized there was a lot I would have to give up or at the very least put on hold. I withdrew from school, quit my job, got rid of my studio, and that’s when the talk of preserving my eggs came. We came to the decision that I needed to start chemo as soon as possible so even that was compromised.

I cried a lot. I cried every time I received a card and cried when I read it. I cried every time my mom left after visiting me. I cried before my sister shaved my head. I cried for my future. But mainly I cried thinking about people I cared about and the thought that I might not be there to see them grow up and achieve both big and small milestones in their lives.

It was pretty bleak for a while. I understood absolutely nothing about my specific type of cancer or cancer in general. I remember for a while I didn’t want to know anything because I was scared to find something I wasn’t ready to face. Since then I have found the importance of asking questions and sometimes knowing isn’t such a bad thing, sometimes it puts the mind at ease.

While writing this I have been hospitalized for 35 days. I spent my 21st birthday, Christmas, and New Years in the hospital. It hasn’t been all that bad. I was lucky enough to have one visitor a day and that made such a big difference. They no longer allow visitors but I am so blessed to have been able to spend most of my time at the hospital surrounded by people I love.

Chemo killed off my immune system. So in order for me to be able to go back home my immune system needs to be strong enough to leave. It is measured by ANC and for weeks my count was at 0. I am happy to say that today it is at 40. Not high by any means but it is showing progress. Before we know it I’ll be at 500 and on my way out of the hospital.